Gah. Time for yet again another update. There's just been so much going on lately that I really haven't had the time (even though it is long overdue).

I pretty much found out who my true friends are *NOT* last week... I don't know what happened/what's been going on, but it seemed that things were going just fine and then literally overnight things drastically changed. Mollie suddenly gets this really nasty attitude toward me and she turns one of my friends against me and needless to say I'm completely and utterly lost. I haven't done a single thing wrong and yet there's all of this pointless hatred geared toward me. I was just really hurt more than anything because one night when I was getting ready for work, Mollie invited Holly (thus other mentioned "friend") and some other people over and although I was literally ten feet away, I could hear them saying bad things behind my back. Friends don't talk bad behind their friends' backs. I was just completely devastated once more because I thought that these people were my friends; I had known them for years and had learned to love and trust them for who they were. Alas, Mollie has failed me yet again and it pains me that Holly would intentionally hurt me. To be perfectly honest, I still have no idea what's going on. I can assume that everyone is acting weird just because I'm friends with Troy. (We started talking again about a week and a half ago and we still want to be apart of each others' lives, just not (obviously) in the same way as before.) I can understand if my friends may be a little disappointed in me, but all of this? This is just ridiculous. If this is going to give my mind peace and make me happy then I honestly don't see what the problem is.

Anyway, after overhearing my friends bad mouth me, I knew I had to get out of that situation. Things could have been more-so ignored if one of the people involved wasn't my roommate, and trust me, like I've mentioned briefly, this isn't the first time that Mollie's screwed me over. So, I had a long talk with my mom as well as my landlord and Thursday night I moved back in with my mom. I know some of you may be thinking that this move is a bit silly, but honestly, I don't need people like that in my life. I was tired of feeling unwelcome in my own home and like I had said, it wouldn't be so big of a deal if one of the people involved wasn't my roommate/supposed "best friend". Nonetheless, I had to do this and I couldn't be happier. I'm so relaxed, just so at peace to finally be in a comfortable and quiet environment and to just be in a place where I know I'll be loved. I mean, hell, even my own mother, who was one to never really be partial to Troy to begin with, is happy that he and I are friends. Honestly, there's nothing wrong with that. I know that the whole "exes being friends" thing hardly ever works out and it's great to see that he's actually putting an effort toward it to make it work.

So, that's basically what's been going on. It pretty much took me two days to get everything out of my apartment and into my mom's house. (Thank goodness I was off for that time being as well; I actually don't go back to work until tomorrow night.) I've just been trying to organize things the best that I can and just re-settle in. Otherwise, besides the organizing, I'm just trying to relax and enjoy myself and the time off from work that I have. Hopefully now that I'm in a stress-free and drama-free environment that I may start up with my artwork again since this is something that I've been neglecting for some time now.

Needless to say, I am not talking to Mollie or Holly anymore. I actually gave Mollie another chance after the crap she's continually pulled on me, but I suppose some people never change. Not to sound conceited, but I'm better than that; I'm more mature than that. I don't need to be a part of "gossip girl". We're not in grade school, in fact, we're almost twenty-one years old. It's time to focus on me for a change and figure out what I want and what makes me happy and if being friends with Troy makes me happy, then people will just have to learn to accept it and get over it, as shitty as that may sound. As mentioned before, if I'm happy, then that's all that should matter.

It's funny how as soon as life seems to be going grand that the tables start to turn and my whole world is flipped upside down once more... I don't think I have ever felt so used, hurt, confused, frustrated, and stressed in my entire life. I'll make a simple breakdown of certain things but as for going into detail, that's something I'm going to leave out for once. I just...don't feel like doing it. (If you guys certainly must know what's going on however, feel free to drop me a note and I'll be more than happy to reply. [Well, not really "happy" but you know what I mean.])

*I'm currently working eight days in a row at my job. Tonight will be night four, but even though I'm halfway through it, I already feel like I want to kill someone and I'm stuck doing all of these special orders which is doing nothing but making me even more pissed off. I'm trying to be positive about it and acknowledge that it is more hours, but I seriously was hoping for a day off sooner than this. >_<

*Things with Derek didn't work out. Again, I don't really want to elaborate unless you guys want to send me a note, but although I am doing better now, I was pretty devastated last week.

*After things fell through with Derek, my mind has been wandering back to Troy. I'm currently talking to him. A big part of me is screaming "WHAT IN THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?" but in all honesty, I really just don't give a fuck right now.

*I keep toying with the idea of leaving dA. Let's face it, I never draw anymore nor am I ever in the mood for it. I don't even check deviations from my watchers, comment, or anything. I just check to see if I have favorites and comments and that's it, which seems kind of selfish. (Anyway, don't count on me leaving as I highly doubt it's going to happen, but the thought has crossed my mind several times for some reason...)

*I guess the only really good thing that has happened so far was that I had a job interview yesterday about an application that I turned in about five months ago of all things. I think I did extremely well and we'll just have to see what happens.

Life is going extremely well for me at the moment. I honestly couldn't be happier. I truly haven't felt this good, this happy in quite a long time. And I'll tell you why...
=]

I'd say probably a week or so ago, Mollie was on the computer and her friend Derek was IMing her. She just randomly mentioned "Oh, he's not my type. He's more of the sensitive musician type." I got mildly interested, mainly because it seems that it's almost impossible to find a guy with feelings anymore, and being as sensitive as I am, this most definitely caught my attention. She also mentioned to me that he has long hair, heh. (I'm a sucker for guys with long hair, considering that it looks right on them and if they can pull it off, that is.) Anyway, I got a little interested and happened to browse his MySpace out of curiosity just to get a slight idea of what he was like and I told her that I thought he was pretty cute. For giggles, she mentioned him to me the next time he was on MySpace IM and he said that he remembered me from grade school (around the third grade) and said that he'd definitely like to see me/meet me (or I guess re-meet me in that matter). So, I'd say last Friday, Mollie, Holly, myself and some other people got together (with Derek there, of course) and we went to the park and stuff for a while. At first I was pretty giddy that a guy was interested in me, but after finally screwing my head on straight and calming down, we all just talked and I really didn't have any initial feelings for him at first. It was definitely too early to judge; if nothing else, I'd make a new friend and that always works. But, by the end of the night I had asked him if he wanted to hang out on Monday so I could talk to him and get to know him a little better. I had mentioned that I hoped this didn't sound weird and he most definitely didn't think so and said he'd be delighted to talk for a while.
=]

So, anyway, Monday arrives and we go to the park for only about ten minutes because it starts to lightning (and not to mention I have an extreme phobia of lightning) so we head off to Denny's. We really didn't have any "deep" conversation at first, so to say, but we just discussed music, our friends, and things of that sort to just get an idea of what we each liked and such. We actually had a few things in common and he was just really fun to listen to overall. Eventually we headed back to my place and I felt the need to tell him about what happened between myself and Troy and where I basically stand now. He was very understanding about everything and I just appreciated that he was there to really listen to me. I told him that I kind of liked him and I knew that he was kind of interested in me but the last thing I'd want was for him to think that he was just a replacement because I don't have Troy; that's the last thing I would want, I don't want to hurt him. If we happened to really click then I'd want it to be real, you know? (I had also mentioned that unlike my relationship with Troy, I'd want to take things considerably slower if something was to happen between us.) Anyway, he told me about some of his past relationships and we just had a really nice discussion overall. He eventually asked if I wanted to watch a movie or something and I of course accepted. (I found out that he likes Azumanga Daioh, which is extremely awesome, so we put that in.) After a while, he just said "I have this extremely strong urge to want to cuddle with you right now" and I just couldn't help but smile; I wanted to do this with him as well. And so we just laid together on the couch and cuddled with each other; that was really nice.
=]
We talked some more and then he leaned in to kiss me, and that was pretty much that.

I swear, we kissed probably a hundred times that night, I'm not going to lie. After I'd pull away after a bit, I'd just get comfortable and situated and before I knew it, he was right back at it, which I thought was sweet. He's very affectionate, and I like that very much. He just said that I was very irresistible. He really knows how to make me feel absolutely amazing. He just kept mentioning that I was absolutely adorable, and how cute I looked when I smiled, and how beautiful I was. I finally got the balls to ask him if we were "official" (so much for me not wanting to rush things...lol) and he said that if that's what I wanted, then he didn't mind; he said he'd really like that, actually. Unfortunately about two-thirty in the morning rolled around and he did have to go home. I walked out to his car with him and he just grabbed my hand when we were going down the stairs and I just truly felt wonderful; I don't think I've smiled so much in quite a long time. I kind of laughed when he sat down in his car and I stood next to the driver's side; I was just like "I'm not used to being taller than you" and he giggled. (He's like 6'1", by the way; I'm only 5'3".) We kissed again for quite a while and it was just really sincere, really passionate. Then he was just like "Okay, I'll see you later, baby" and then paused. He mentioned afterward that he wasn't really good with the whole "pet names" thing and I just smiled and told him not to worry about it, that we'd eventually figure something out. I finally just waved and went back upstairs. I felt so good, so giddy, so happy that I honestly didn't fall asleep until about seven-thirty in the morning.

So yeah... I wasn't really expecting for things to accumulate as they did and I do realize that I was only single for a week, but that's okay. He's just...amazing. I love how willing he is to work with me and how patient he is. We did briefly get on the discussion about sex that night and I told him that I at least wanted to wait a couple of weeks to a month or so, just so I could continue to get to know him better and I didn't want to rush things. He said that he totally understood and that I seemed like "the kind of person that's worth waiting for anyway". He even told me that if I'm even slightly hesitant about something he would just stop at that, so it's great that there's no pressure and he's as understanding as he is. So, the overall "officalness" of everything, no, that didn't go as slow as I had planned, but shit happens; I wasn't expecting us to click as well as we did either. But as for the relationship that's blooming, I just want everything to happen when we're both ready for it, when we both want it, when the timing is just right; I want everything to be special.

That's about the gist of it all so far. I just feel extremely well, I'm looking forward to going to work now, life is just wonderful.
^^

Basically all of my close friends already know what happened over the past few days, but to my online friends, I felt that I had to type this, to explain what's been going on in my life, or my love life, to be precise.

I made quite possibly one of the hardest decisions of my life yesterday; after many months of pointless self-loathing and obsessive tendencies, I finally stepped up to the plate and broke up with Troy. Some of you may be in shock, even wondering why I did this because things seemed to be going so well. What could have gone wrong? Things actually haven't been going well for quite some time now...

Let me back-track for a minute and prepare yourselves for one of the longest online journals you'll ever read.

Pretty much after our first real and very explosive argument, things seemed to have gone downhill, even though I didn't want to admit that to myself; the pain was just too much. I had an extremely difficult time moving on, especially not having him around all the time considering when we had rushed into things so quickly and I was with him 24/7 in the beginning. It hurt because he seemed to adjust to not being around me all the time just fine. He was completely content on living with his brother and not having me in the picture as much. I just didn't want to come to terms with the idea that he would never change his ways for the better and would never consider caring for me as long as he was attached to the hip with his brother and as long as he had his substances at hand. I just did not want to accept the fact that pot and his brother would always be more important than me, which is a shame because I think the one that you love should always be your number one priority.

Before that night when I suggested that maybe we shouldn't live together anymore, we never argued and things seemed to be great. I'll admit, toward the beginning, everything was just how I imagined it would be. We would actually go on dates and watch movies and do fun things. We were completely devoted to one another. I honestly don't know what happened. After a while, he just became my whole world and was all I could think about, and he just thought that was too much pressure. Even just the other day, he told me "Babe, I want to be a part of your life but not your whole life." It just completely devastated me that he wasn't as "into" this as I was, that I was giving him everything and yet I was receiving nothing.

Things rapidly declined and lately it seemed like we were arguing every week, which, as I had mentioned, was something we never even used to do. Unfortunately, it was all over the same subject, over and over again. I felt that he wasn't spending as much time with me as he used to. Granted, I liked that when he got off of work he would stop by to see me, but it would never be for more than an hour and would always consist of the same thing. We'd briefly talk, half-assed snuggled, and then we'd have sex and he would leave. This didn't happen just once or a few times; it was like we made a habit out of this. I felt used. I didn't want to be like the damn Seven Eleven or the Quik N' Eazy; I'm not there just because it's "convenient" and I wouldn't have had so much of a problem with it if he actually stayed for a little while instead of taking his eager ass home so suddenly. Anymore it seemed like he just made excuses. I always spent the night down at his house and I wanted him to come down here for a change. He even admitted it had been at least a month. And so, I would offer and ask "Hey, I have suchandsuch day off, would you like the spend the night?" and normally he would either say "I don't know" or "That sounds good, I'll plan on it". No matter what the answer was, I always got my hopes up, extremely high for that matter, which is something out of my control. If you want to see a person badly enough, you'll highly anticipate the day that you do (and in my case longer than an hour or so). And yet...there would always be nothing but constant disappointment. It seemed that something always came up, and at the last second too. I know I like to know what's going on and should know that guys don't live by a schedule, but if plans change, let me know about it ahead of time instead of completely crushing me by canceling at the last minute every time. This was just getting too old; I was really irritated by arguing over the same things again and again. His response was always the same: "Babe, you can't get your hopes up on something that probably isn't going to happen. I'm a busy man and you'll just have to get over it." But I couldn't get over it. It just wasn't fair.

Finally, on Sunday after crying over this same, stupid argument, things seemed to be okay after a few minutes of talking. He calmed me down and he said he'd stay for a little bit, but work really wore him out and he was just exhausted. It really didn't help that he was in a bad mood since the night before; he went to a keg party with a friend and I guess his brother was there and was in a terrible mood, therefore bringing everybody else down. (I also got extremely upset over this because I was looking forward to seeing him that day after he got off of work before I went to my mom's and what do you know...a keg party was more important than spending time with his girlfriend. Not that he's banned from ever going out or anything, that definitely wasn't the case, but that just really hurt my feelings.) Anyway, we laid down to take a nap and I wasn't really tired, I was actually pretty hungry and I can't sleep if I'm hungry. (I had asked him earlier if it was okay if we could maybe stop by McDonald's later so I could get something to eat and he didn't have a problem with it.) I figured that I'd do the considerate thing and let him sleep so I sat down in the living room and played a video game. About and hour and a half to two hours rolls by and he walks out of my room, and literally waking up on the wrong side of the bed, starts yelling at me "Why didn't you wake me up? My brother just called wondering where I was and if I was okay. You knew I had stuff to do!" I had actually completely forgotten about him having "stuff to do" and I was just really taken aback. Like any normal person, I thought I was just being nice by letting him sleep because he was exhausted. I was still really hungry; I had not eaten anything because I was under the impression we were going to go out, so just to make sure I had asked him this and he said "No". I finally kind of put him in his place and told him that he didn't have to act like such an asshole about everything and he left. Obviously in a bad mood, I went into my room to tidy a few things up when I noticed that my name tag for work was missing. I immediately called him before he got too far out of town and asked if he could please bring it back to me and he threw a fit over that too! He wanted me to just use a time sheet for that night when I kindly reminded him that I didn't work that evening. I then hinted I worked the next night (last night) and if I could please have it back especially since it wasn't my fault that it was gone and I never went to work without my name tag. After throwing another huge fit, he finally agrees to coming over to drop it off. It takes him probably about five minutes and I meet him downstairs and thank him and out of nowhere he just keeps popping off at the mouth, just constantly bitching that "I had shit to do but now I'm running late. Thank God I didn't have anything important planned! I'm also out of cigarettes until I get home!" After hearing enough and just getting really fed up with all of this, I told him that I didn't want to deal with his grumpy ass if he was going to act this way. He then screamed "Good, I don't want to fucking deal with you right now either!!" (Also, just for the record, do you know what was so Goddamn important that he just couldn't wait to get home for? THE BEARS GAME. Great to know that The Bears and cigarettes are more important than me as well!)

After this, I just completely lost it. I stormed upstairs and was so fed up with anger and rage that I kicked a hole in my wall. Either I have very weak walls or one very durable flip flop, I'll tell you that much. He also should be glad that wasn't his face... Anyway, I just screamed "FUCK!" a lot and threw my phone and shut the door. I don't know what I was thinking, but I immediately tried to call him afterward and he answered pretty much saying "I thought that me being an asshole applied to not talking on the phone either" and hung up on me. That made me feel just absolutely wonderful. (I do hope you all catch the sarcasm here.) So, I called my mom, bawling my eyes out saying that I was so sick and tired of being hurt all the time and I felt like I didn't love him anymore; I just couldn't keep going on with this. My mom offered me to come over for the night and I seized it; I just really needed someone there to help me get through this. I talked to my friends Mollie and Holly before I left and we all determined that perhaps just breaking up with him would be for the best. He tried calling me a few times during this period but I ignored them and refused to pick up the phone unless he called me one more time and then I would let him know what was going on. That phone call never came.

Monday (yesterday) rolled around and my mom dropped me off. I knew what I had to do. I have a lot of soul-searching to do and I need to learn to love myself more. I had to leave him. I didn't break up with him when I brought it up the last time because I got weak at the last minute and hoped that he would change and things would be different. Months came and went, and no sign of change was in sight. What was the point in continuing something that wasn't going to happen for the better? I had told him many times that relationships are all about compromise and I was always extremely willing to work with him, but he never jumped on it. Relationships just don't work if they're only going one way. I knew what I had to do, but it was going to be hard. At first I had planned that I was just going to tell him the following day (today) when he got off of work so I could actually tell him face-to-face and not seem weak, but I had to work that night and I was so physically and mentally exhausted that I didn't want to risk not getting any sleep especially since I had an important night ahead of me. (My boss was going to take some of the things from my bake to a meeting to compare it to the quality of the other stores and I had to do my best and make everyone proud; I couldn't let them down.) After calling my friend Elizabeth, she suggested just calling him. I toyed with this idea for a while, but I didn't want to seem weak or anything, if that makes sense. I learned that breaking up over the phone with someone is not weak, especially since he didn't ask me out face-to-face to begin with. That and I figured it would just be better to get it out of the way rather than worrying about what I was going to say to him the next day all night at work. I even wrote down what I wanted to say, and I feel that helped a lot. It was basically along the lines of "I'm sorry that I don't have the opportunity to do this in person as I would prefer, but I'm not happy and I need to do what I feel is best for me and for us. I'm sorry, but I have to end this. I'm breaking up with you." I called him and said exactly this to him. I didn't cry; I would be so angry with myself if I had. My voice was really shaky, but I did not cry nonetheless. I was expecting him to either get really mad at me (like "*scoff* If that's what you really want!) or that he'd get really mushy and "Oh baby, I love you, don't do this" on me. Surprisingly, he didn't do either and actually handled it very well. He mainly just said "Okay" and sounded pretty calm and casual. He mentioned that he was going to get the rest of his stuff out of my apartment after he got off of work the next day (which was today) and I said that was fine and I wanted his spare keys to the apartment when I saw him in the morning at work.

I cried when I hung up the phone. I just felt absolutely terrible. I just couldn't believe that this was over, that this was it. Even though I tried, I most definitely did not get any sleep before my shift at work. When I got there, I tried not to think about it, although it was really hard. A friend of mine who works in the deli, Robert, whom I always talk to whenever I see him, asked how I was doing and I hesitantly told him that I'd talk to him later about it. After everyone cleared out, I told him everything. Robert's a great guy by the way; he reminds me of the grandfather I never had. I did get mad at myself because I told myself that I wouldn't cry at work and I ended up crying in front of him, but he did make me feel better no less. He pretty much agreed with me that I deserve better, he's in an immature state in his life right now, and, most importantly, he's never going to change as long as he views his brother and his substances as his number one priority in his life (which is a pretty sad life, if you ask me; I can't believe I was so fucking blind to this before...) Robert told me that if I felt that Troy was threatening me, was making me not want to work or was interfering with my work in some way, to let him know personally and that he'd take care of it. (Pretty much, he'd let Troy have it.) So, that made me feel a lot better in knowing that there's people (or more so a male figure) that really care(s). Afterward he gave me a huge hug and to keep my chin up. So, I'm going to try and do just that, even though it'll be tough... Like I said, hopefully not so much as it was cracked up to be, but we'll see, I guess.

After that, I felt that my night at work went by wonderfully. For having as much stuff on my mind as I did, I honestly think I did one of the best bakes ever. I figured the right thing to do would be to leave my manager a note as to what was going on; I can actually approach her and tell her these sorts of things unlike my old manager when I was working in the deli. I basically said that although I'm generally pretty good at leaving my problems at the door and not taking them into work, there was something going on and it was very hard for me to deal with. Also, I told her that I felt really confident about my bake and that I was eager to find out the results of this meeting. (She hasn't gotten back to me about it yet, but I'm sure she'll leave a note for me or something.) Everything went great until about 5:45 a.m. hit. (He comes into work at six.) I was so freaking nervous this morning about him coming in; a small part of me wanted to see him, but an even bigger part was just really...well, scared more than anything, almost like it was intimidation. It was all for nothing though. I didn't even see him come in and he didn't acknowledge my presence or say one word to me. Simply because of this, even though I certainly wasn't thinking this the other day, I think I may get over this a little faster than originally thought. I mean, why should I continue giving a shit about him if he won't even give me the time of day? If he's basically going to give me a "Fuck you", then I'm going to give him a "Fuck you" right back, you know? That was just a real kick in the ass. I don't need that, and so much for keeping on good terms like I had suggested... (I didn't put it earlier about the stuff I told him; what I wrote down when I was breaking up with him, but I figured I'd try and be the better person and offer to be on good terms with each other and to stay friends. Guess I really should have known better that that doesn't work, and I'm sure his brother brainwashed him last night in some form or another...)

I came home from work and was just going to be extremely disappointed if he didn't come over to get his stuff like he said he would, mainly because I asked Mollie if she could be there with me when he would be there simply because I was in a very vulnerable state and I didn't want to do anything stupid (not that I would, but you never know...) The instance that morning also made me really mad because he was supposed to give me his keys when I saw him and he pretended like I wasn't even around. However, time passed and he did end up coming over. The first thing he did when he walked in the door was give me his keys. I was very grateful for this; I really didn't want to call the landlord and let him know that I needed my locks changed, but I hoped that Troy would be at least somewhat civil. I didn't want to seem like a complete bitch since I had stated that I wanted to keep on good terms with him, so I figured I'd help him gather his things and help him bring them down to his car. I kind of walked forward when he was in the kitchen and out of nowhere he approaches me with open arms; this guy tried to fucking hug me! How can you sit there and not give me the time of day earlier and then suddenly act like nothing was wrong? I immediately pushed him away from me and was just like "What the hell are you doing!?" He got all defensive and was just like "I didn't know it was like that." Um, yeah, it IS like that. I'll be friends with you, but what we had is over, we're done. That just really made my anger flare up... And, ha ha, the best part was when we were getting ready to take the last of his things down to his car. He looked at me and opened his arms again and said "Can I please have a hug? Please." I finally did it, but it didn't mean anything; I pretty much did it to get him to shut up. And then he has the fucking NERVE to go on and say "Oh baby, I love you so much. I'll never stop loving you and I hope you know that. You'll always have a special place in my heart, yack yack yack." Gag me already. Did I not say that it was over? I think he was really trying to toy with my emotions the best that he could so I would suddenly change my mind and just go "Oh baby! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean it! Take me back! I love you." Well, he can just keep on dreaming because it's not happening. He even said "Take care" to me when he left and I said nothing more than "Bye" and just walked upstairs.

I know it was sudden, but I think I've already moved on from the sad and mopey phase. I've just been really angry all day, at him, of course. I've realized that I deserve better. Oh! Speaking of which, I forgot to include this in my segment earlier. I totally forgot that he said during all of that "I'm happy that you're doing what's right for you and what you think is right for us. I'm sorry I couldn't treat you better." Now what in the hell am I supposed to say to that. (My mom said I should have said "You should be" and I think she's right...)

Now I realize that I'm going to have a lot of free time that I didn't even know existed because I was constantly wrapped up in him all the time. It's overwhelming, I'll be honest, but it'll be for the better. Also, I'm going to spend a lot more time with my friends now than I did when I was with him. This actually wasn't his fault; he always encouraged me to hang out with my friends and be more social and just go out and do something, but I just didn't want to because I was so much more interested in what he was doing and what he wanted, no matter how shitty that may sound. I'm going to stop neglecting my friends and fill in this empty void of when I should have been spending more time with them.

I know that I'm not going to get over him right away. Today definitely helped and I got a lot of self-confidence that I didn't know that I had, but I know that I'm not always going to feel this way. I'm probably going to be going back and forth from being really depressed to really angry, but this is just natural and I just need to get through it. It's scary how sudden I wanted to get over Troy and how much I wanted to forget about him and it's only been just a little past twenty-four hours. I'm trying to be confident and say that I'm going to find someone who will actually know how to treat me right and will love me just as I am. This may take time or it may not, but I'm going to try and keep my head up again nonetheless. I know life isn't just about relationships, but I'm not ready to give up on love just yet. Troy was my first boyfriend and I'm only twenty years old; there's a whole world of opportunity out there but I just need some support from my friends to help me inch a little out of my shell and actually be "approachable". I don't want to ditch my shell completely because my shyness is a huge part of who I am, but there's nothing wrong with needing a little nudge here and a little nudge there every once in a while.

If you made it this far, you definitely get my approval along with a gigantic cookie of your choice. =]

I'd say probably about a month ago, Troy took me down to the piercing place where I got my nipples done to finally change out my barbells since it had been six months (which they told me is the normal/typical healing time). I picked out these purple circular barbells from Pennylane (which I always referred to as "hoops" even though they didn't close to a full circle) and I changed them out. My left nipple had always been bothering me ever since I got it pierced; it would always constantly hurt and bleed and would just get infected a lot in general. One of the reasons I got them changed out was because my piercer told me that sometimes changing them out helps with infections, soreness, etc. Granted, it did bleed a little when it got changed out, but literally by the end of the day, it felt great, just like my right one. I didn't have any problems with it, it would be sore occasionally, but not nearly as much as before. Well, probably about four days ago my left piercing was really brought to my attention again, but not by infection or anything like before. I noticed that it seemed a lot looser than I had recalled, like it wasn't as far back into my nipple as I had remembered. When I got them done in January, my piercer told me that he doesn't pierce the actual nipple itself because I guess that would cause a lot of problems and more difficulty healing, so he pierced behind the nipple instead. (Trust me, it still looks fine and it's still, well, a nipple piercing.) Anyway, my left one was definitely at the surface of my nipple, rather than being behind it like I had recalled.

For some reason, I never made it out to my piercing place this week (shame on me, I know) and I began to think that maybe my body was rejecting the piercing. (I had read up on this before I got them done in the first place; trust me, I did my research before I chose to get them done.) And so, after staying home from work today for being sick, I randomly woke up about two hours ago so I could use the bathroom, and just for shits and giggles, I decided to look at my piercing just to see how it was doing. I shit you not, it was literally hanging there by a fucking thread of skin. I didn't want to take any chances and I sure as hell didn't want it to go completely through my nipple and have a fucked up nipple for the rest of my life, so I decided the best thing would be just to take it out and have it close up. I'm not even going to bother getting it re-pierced because it hurt badly enough the first time and I heard that going through scar tissue is even worse... I even changed my right one back to the stainless steel barbell that I had when I first got them pierced. Thus being said, I believe I have found my culprit...

Apparently Pennylane's jewelry is made from really cheap metal, like nickel, and these "cheap" piercings can cause allergic reactions and usually migration and finally rejection. What had happened to me actually wasn't rejection; apparently there is a difference between migration and rejection. Migration is just the movement of the piercing, whether it be painful or otherwise with no actual healing ensued. Rejection is what happens when the body reacts to a foreign object and tries to remove it and typically heals the skin behind it. I'm pretty damn sure if I had waited any longer than my nipple would have split clean in half or some crazy shit like that.

And so, I need to start looking at jewelry made with only surgical stainless steel (like what I changed my right one back to) or either 14k or 18k gold (I don't remember which one at the moment). Apparently silver is really bad and can tarnish the skin, which was news to me.

So, I'm kind of disappointed about this whole situation, but at least my right one is still doing okay. Perhaps I'll invest in another kind of stainless steel barbell or something for it. I actually like the barbells better than the hoops (even though what I had wasn't exactly a hoop, but oh well). Maybe I'll look at the curved ones or something... But anyway, I'm not too happy at the moment and I guess I'll just have to live with one piercing instead of two. I feel kind of naked without my left one, but I'll live. As mentioned, I don't want to bother getting it re-pierced. Perhaps I was destined to just have one, who knows...?