Basically all of my close friends already know what happened over the past few days, but to my online friends, I felt that I had to type this, to explain what's been going on in my life, or my love life, to be precise.

I made quite possibly one of the hardest decisions of my life yesterday; after many months of pointless self-loathing and obsessive tendencies, I finally stepped up to the plate and broke up with Troy. Some of you may be in shock, even wondering why I did this because things seemed to be going so well. What could have gone wrong? Things actually haven't been going well for quite some time now...

Let me back-track for a minute and prepare yourselves for one of the longest online journals you'll ever read.

Pretty much after our first real and very explosive argument, things seemed to have gone downhill, even though I didn't want to admit that to myself; the pain was just too much. I had an extremely difficult time moving on, especially not having him around all the time considering when we had rushed into things so quickly and I was with him 24/7 in the beginning. It hurt because he seemed to adjust to not being around me all the time just fine. He was completely content on living with his brother and not having me in the picture as much. I just didn't want to come to terms with the idea that he would never change his ways for the better and would never consider caring for me as long as he was attached to the hip with his brother and as long as he had his substances at hand. I just did not want to accept the fact that pot and his brother would always be more important than me, which is a shame because I think the one that you love should always be your number one priority.

Before that night when I suggested that maybe we shouldn't live together anymore, we never argued and things seemed to be great. I'll admit, toward the beginning, everything was just how I imagined it would be. We would actually go on dates and watch movies and do fun things. We were completely devoted to one another. I honestly don't know what happened. After a while, he just became my whole world and was all I could think about, and he just thought that was too much pressure. Even just the other day, he told me "Babe, I want to be a part of your life but not your whole life." It just completely devastated me that he wasn't as "into" this as I was, that I was giving him everything and yet I was receiving nothing.

Things rapidly declined and lately it seemed like we were arguing every week, which, as I had mentioned, was something we never even used to do. Unfortunately, it was all over the same subject, over and over again. I felt that he wasn't spending as much time with me as he used to. Granted, I liked that when he got off of work he would stop by to see me, but it would never be for more than an hour and would always consist of the same thing. We'd briefly talk, half-assed snuggled, and then we'd have sex and he would leave. This didn't happen just once or a few times; it was like we made a habit out of this. I felt used. I didn't want to be like the damn Seven Eleven or the Quik N' Eazy; I'm not there just because it's "convenient" and I wouldn't have had so much of a problem with it if he actually stayed for a little while instead of taking his eager ass home so suddenly. Anymore it seemed like he just made excuses. I always spent the night down at his house and I wanted him to come down here for a change. He even admitted it had been at least a month. And so, I would offer and ask "Hey, I have suchandsuch day off, would you like the spend the night?" and normally he would either say "I don't know" or "That sounds good, I'll plan on it". No matter what the answer was, I always got my hopes up, extremely high for that matter, which is something out of my control. If you want to see a person badly enough, you'll highly anticipate the day that you do (and in my case longer than an hour or so). And yet...there would always be nothing but constant disappointment. It seemed that something always came up, and at the last second too. I know I like to know what's going on and should know that guys don't live by a schedule, but if plans change, let me know about it ahead of time instead of completely crushing me by canceling at the last minute every time. This was just getting too old; I was really irritated by arguing over the same things again and again. His response was always the same: "Babe, you can't get your hopes up on something that probably isn't going to happen. I'm a busy man and you'll just have to get over it." But I couldn't get over it. It just wasn't fair.

Finally, on Sunday after crying over this same, stupid argument, things seemed to be okay after a few minutes of talking. He calmed me down and he said he'd stay for a little bit, but work really wore him out and he was just exhausted. It really didn't help that he was in a bad mood since the night before; he went to a keg party with a friend and I guess his brother was there and was in a terrible mood, therefore bringing everybody else down. (I also got extremely upset over this because I was looking forward to seeing him that day after he got off of work before I went to my mom's and what do you know...a keg party was more important than spending time with his girlfriend. Not that he's banned from ever going out or anything, that definitely wasn't the case, but that just really hurt my feelings.) Anyway, we laid down to take a nap and I wasn't really tired, I was actually pretty hungry and I can't sleep if I'm hungry. (I had asked him earlier if it was okay if we could maybe stop by McDonald's later so I could get something to eat and he didn't have a problem with it.) I figured that I'd do the considerate thing and let him sleep so I sat down in the living room and played a video game. About and hour and a half to two hours rolls by and he walks out of my room, and literally waking up on the wrong side of the bed, starts yelling at me "Why didn't you wake me up? My brother just called wondering where I was and if I was okay. You knew I had stuff to do!" I had actually completely forgotten about him having "stuff to do" and I was just really taken aback. Like any normal person, I thought I was just being nice by letting him sleep because he was exhausted. I was still really hungry; I had not eaten anything because I was under the impression we were going to go out, so just to make sure I had asked him this and he said "No". I finally kind of put him in his place and told him that he didn't have to act like such an asshole about everything and he left. Obviously in a bad mood, I went into my room to tidy a few things up when I noticed that my name tag for work was missing. I immediately called him before he got too far out of town and asked if he could please bring it back to me and he threw a fit over that too! He wanted me to just use a time sheet for that night when I kindly reminded him that I didn't work that evening. I then hinted I worked the next night (last night) and if I could please have it back especially since it wasn't my fault that it was gone and I never went to work without my name tag. After throwing another huge fit, he finally agrees to coming over to drop it off. It takes him probably about five minutes and I meet him downstairs and thank him and out of nowhere he just keeps popping off at the mouth, just constantly bitching that "I had shit to do but now I'm running late. Thank God I didn't have anything important planned! I'm also out of cigarettes until I get home!" After hearing enough and just getting really fed up with all of this, I told him that I didn't want to deal with his grumpy ass if he was going to act this way. He then screamed "Good, I don't want to fucking deal with you right now either!!" (Also, just for the record, do you know what was so Goddamn important that he just couldn't wait to get home for? THE BEARS GAME. Great to know that The Bears and cigarettes are more important than me as well!)

After this, I just completely lost it. I stormed upstairs and was so fed up with anger and rage that I kicked a hole in my wall. Either I have very weak walls or one very durable flip flop, I'll tell you that much. He also should be glad that wasn't his face... Anyway, I just screamed "FUCK!" a lot and threw my phone and shut the door. I don't know what I was thinking, but I immediately tried to call him afterward and he answered pretty much saying "I thought that me being an asshole applied to not talking on the phone either" and hung up on me. That made me feel just absolutely wonderful. (I do hope you all catch the sarcasm here.) So, I called my mom, bawling my eyes out saying that I was so sick and tired of being hurt all the time and I felt like I didn't love him anymore; I just couldn't keep going on with this. My mom offered me to come over for the night and I seized it; I just really needed someone there to help me get through this. I talked to my friends Mollie and Holly before I left and we all determined that perhaps just breaking up with him would be for the best. He tried calling me a few times during this period but I ignored them and refused to pick up the phone unless he called me one more time and then I would let him know what was going on. That phone call never came.

Monday (yesterday) rolled around and my mom dropped me off. I knew what I had to do. I have a lot of soul-searching to do and I need to learn to love myself more. I had to leave him. I didn't break up with him when I brought it up the last time because I got weak at the last minute and hoped that he would change and things would be different. Months came and went, and no sign of change was in sight. What was the point in continuing something that wasn't going to happen for the better? I had told him many times that relationships are all about compromise and I was always extremely willing to work with him, but he never jumped on it. Relationships just don't work if they're only going one way. I knew what I had to do, but it was going to be hard. At first I had planned that I was just going to tell him the following day (today) when he got off of work so I could actually tell him face-to-face and not seem weak, but I had to work that night and I was so physically and mentally exhausted that I didn't want to risk not getting any sleep especially since I had an important night ahead of me. (My boss was going to take some of the things from my bake to a meeting to compare it to the quality of the other stores and I had to do my best and make everyone proud; I couldn't let them down.) After calling my friend Elizabeth, she suggested just calling him. I toyed with this idea for a while, but I didn't want to seem weak or anything, if that makes sense. I learned that breaking up over the phone with someone is not weak, especially since he didn't ask me out face-to-face to begin with. That and I figured it would just be better to get it out of the way rather than worrying about what I was going to say to him the next day all night at work. I even wrote down what I wanted to say, and I feel that helped a lot. It was basically along the lines of "I'm sorry that I don't have the opportunity to do this in person as I would prefer, but I'm not happy and I need to do what I feel is best for me and for us. I'm sorry, but I have to end this. I'm breaking up with you." I called him and said exactly this to him. I didn't cry; I would be so angry with myself if I had. My voice was really shaky, but I did not cry nonetheless. I was expecting him to either get really mad at me (like "*scoff* If that's what you really want!) or that he'd get really mushy and "Oh baby, I love you, don't do this" on me. Surprisingly, he didn't do either and actually handled it very well. He mainly just said "Okay" and sounded pretty calm and casual. He mentioned that he was going to get the rest of his stuff out of my apartment after he got off of work the next day (which was today) and I said that was fine and I wanted his spare keys to the apartment when I saw him in the morning at work.

I cried when I hung up the phone. I just felt absolutely terrible. I just couldn't believe that this was over, that this was it. Even though I tried, I most definitely did not get any sleep before my shift at work. When I got there, I tried not to think about it, although it was really hard. A friend of mine who works in the deli, Robert, whom I always talk to whenever I see him, asked how I was doing and I hesitantly told him that I'd talk to him later about it. After everyone cleared out, I told him everything. Robert's a great guy by the way; he reminds me of the grandfather I never had. I did get mad at myself because I told myself that I wouldn't cry at work and I ended up crying in front of him, but he did make me feel better no less. He pretty much agreed with me that I deserve better, he's in an immature state in his life right now, and, most importantly, he's never going to change as long as he views his brother and his substances as his number one priority in his life (which is a pretty sad life, if you ask me; I can't believe I was so fucking blind to this before...) Robert told me that if I felt that Troy was threatening me, was making me not want to work or was interfering with my work in some way, to let him know personally and that he'd take care of it. (Pretty much, he'd let Troy have it.) So, that made me feel a lot better in knowing that there's people (or more so a male figure) that really care(s). Afterward he gave me a huge hug and to keep my chin up. So, I'm going to try and do just that, even though it'll be tough... Like I said, hopefully not so much as it was cracked up to be, but we'll see, I guess.

After that, I felt that my night at work went by wonderfully. For having as much stuff on my mind as I did, I honestly think I did one of the best bakes ever. I figured the right thing to do would be to leave my manager a note as to what was going on; I can actually approach her and tell her these sorts of things unlike my old manager when I was working in the deli. I basically said that although I'm generally pretty good at leaving my problems at the door and not taking them into work, there was something going on and it was very hard for me to deal with. Also, I told her that I felt really confident about my bake and that I was eager to find out the results of this meeting. (She hasn't gotten back to me about it yet, but I'm sure she'll leave a note for me or something.) Everything went great until about 5:45 a.m. hit. (He comes into work at six.) I was so freaking nervous this morning about him coming in; a small part of me wanted to see him, but an even bigger part was just really...well, scared more than anything, almost like it was intimidation. It was all for nothing though. I didn't even see him come in and he didn't acknowledge my presence or say one word to me. Simply because of this, even though I certainly wasn't thinking this the other day, I think I may get over this a little faster than originally thought. I mean, why should I continue giving a shit about him if he won't even give me the time of day? If he's basically going to give me a "Fuck you", then I'm going to give him a "Fuck you" right back, you know? That was just a real kick in the ass. I don't need that, and so much for keeping on good terms like I had suggested... (I didn't put it earlier about the stuff I told him; what I wrote down when I was breaking up with him, but I figured I'd try and be the better person and offer to be on good terms with each other and to stay friends. Guess I really should have known better that that doesn't work, and I'm sure his brother brainwashed him last night in some form or another...)

I came home from work and was just going to be extremely disappointed if he didn't come over to get his stuff like he said he would, mainly because I asked Mollie if she could be there with me when he would be there simply because I was in a very vulnerable state and I didn't want to do anything stupid (not that I would, but you never know...) The instance that morning also made me really mad because he was supposed to give me his keys when I saw him and he pretended like I wasn't even around. However, time passed and he did end up coming over. The first thing he did when he walked in the door was give me his keys. I was very grateful for this; I really didn't want to call the landlord and let him know that I needed my locks changed, but I hoped that Troy would be at least somewhat civil. I didn't want to seem like a complete bitch since I had stated that I wanted to keep on good terms with him, so I figured I'd help him gather his things and help him bring them down to his car. I kind of walked forward when he was in the kitchen and out of nowhere he approaches me with open arms; this guy tried to fucking hug me! How can you sit there and not give me the time of day earlier and then suddenly act like nothing was wrong? I immediately pushed him away from me and was just like "What the hell are you doing!?" He got all defensive and was just like "I didn't know it was like that." Um, yeah, it IS like that. I'll be friends with you, but what we had is over, we're done. That just really made my anger flare up... And, ha ha, the best part was when we were getting ready to take the last of his things down to his car. He looked at me and opened his arms again and said "Can I please have a hug? Please." I finally did it, but it didn't mean anything; I pretty much did it to get him to shut up. And then he has the fucking NERVE to go on and say "Oh baby, I love you so much. I'll never stop loving you and I hope you know that. You'll always have a special place in my heart, yack yack yack." Gag me already. Did I not say that it was over? I think he was really trying to toy with my emotions the best that he could so I would suddenly change my mind and just go "Oh baby! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean it! Take me back! I love you." Well, he can just keep on dreaming because it's not happening. He even said "Take care" to me when he left and I said nothing more than "Bye" and just walked upstairs.

I know it was sudden, but I think I've already moved on from the sad and mopey phase. I've just been really angry all day, at him, of course. I've realized that I deserve better. Oh! Speaking of which, I forgot to include this in my segment earlier. I totally forgot that he said during all of that "I'm happy that you're doing what's right for you and what you think is right for us. I'm sorry I couldn't treat you better." Now what in the hell am I supposed to say to that. (My mom said I should have said "You should be" and I think she's right...)

Now I realize that I'm going to have a lot of free time that I didn't even know existed because I was constantly wrapped up in him all the time. It's overwhelming, I'll be honest, but it'll be for the better. Also, I'm going to spend a lot more time with my friends now than I did when I was with him. This actually wasn't his fault; he always encouraged me to hang out with my friends and be more social and just go out and do something, but I just didn't want to because I was so much more interested in what he was doing and what he wanted, no matter how shitty that may sound. I'm going to stop neglecting my friends and fill in this empty void of when I should have been spending more time with them.

I know that I'm not going to get over him right away. Today definitely helped and I got a lot of self-confidence that I didn't know that I had, but I know that I'm not always going to feel this way. I'm probably going to be going back and forth from being really depressed to really angry, but this is just natural and I just need to get through it. It's scary how sudden I wanted to get over Troy and how much I wanted to forget about him and it's only been just a little past twenty-four hours. I'm trying to be confident and say that I'm going to find someone who will actually know how to treat me right and will love me just as I am. This may take time or it may not, but I'm going to try and keep my head up again nonetheless. I know life isn't just about relationships, but I'm not ready to give up on love just yet. Troy was my first boyfriend and I'm only twenty years old; there's a whole world of opportunity out there but I just need some support from my friends to help me inch a little out of my shell and actually be "approachable". I don't want to ditch my shell completely because my shyness is a huge part of who I am, but there's nothing wrong with needing a little nudge here and a little nudge there every once in a while.

If you made it this far, you definitely get my approval along with a gigantic cookie of your choice. =]